Intrafamilial sexual abuse destroys women’s dreams

Nomzamo Gwebu

Sibonile Dube (35) says she re-married in 2010 and at that time she had a daughter who was 16 years old. She says she will forever rue the decision to marry again after discovering that her daughter had been sexually abused and impregnated by her current husband.

Sibonile says she knew that children growing up under the care of step parents are at risk of physical, emotional or sexual abuse. But she says her decision to re-marry was driven by the need to provide her daughter with an ideal and stable home. She had felt that a man in her home would provide support and security for her daughter, only to discover that the man she had chosen was a sheep in a wolf skin.

“In my community, a woman who lives alone with children is not respected. I wanted my daughter to grow up in an environment where there is a man who would protect her and give her fatherly support and guidance. I did not re-marry for my own interest but for the sake of my daughter. When Simon proposed, I considered that he was a widower and also that he had his own grown up children,” says Sibonile.

Sibonile reveals that her current husband, Simon was mature and she felt that he would consider her daughter as his own child. She adds that her life seemed to have been renewed by the second marriage because Simon was a caring man and was financially stable and of sober habits. She says she discovered the abuse at a time when she was almost 10 years into the marriage.

“My daughter was now doing her Ordinary Level when I discovered that she was pregnant. I did not even suspect my husband. Everything had seemed perfect and my husband cared much about my daughter and would take her to school most of the time. At times I would leave them together at home when I was travelling. I never suspected anything because the age difference was a mere child compared to him and would even pass as his granddaughter,” says Sibonile.

Sibonile says she began to notice some changes on her daughter and that raised her suspicions. She says she took her daughter to the clinic for an examinationand her suspicions were confirmed.

“When we got home from the doctor, I was very angry because my daughter was refusing to give me the details of the man who had impregnated her. It was only after I had threatened her with a thorough beating that she revealed that the man who had impregnated her was my husband. I was shocked by the revelation and immediately called the police,” says Sibonile.

Sibonile says the abuse of her daughter had traumatised her considering the effort she had put to protect her.

“I have heard so many cases of girls who were abused by stepfathers or step brothers and I was determined to protect my daughter. I now blame myself for being so naïve as to trust any man to take care of my daughter. Maybe if I had waited until she started her own life things would have turned out differently,” regrets Sibonile.

Sibonile says she has been paralysed by the incident and she does not know where she went wrong. She says her only consolation comes from the fact that the perpetrator is behind bars. She says she does not know how she will be able to interact with her daughter and granddaughter.

Some women blame cultural erosion as a driver of such incestuous incidents. Nonsikelelo Nsingo (28), a single mother says men should treat stepchildren as their own children just like women should also treat stepchildren as their own. However, relationships are getting complicated and women should learn to take care of their children alone.

“I would rather have my children stay with my mother because I know they will be safe there rather than take them along when I decide to remarry. Men have a tendency of taking out their stress on children especially if they know that they are not their biological children,” says Nonsikelelo.

Jacob Sibanda (30) a single father says also although he is looking forward to getting married again, he does not want to get married to a woman who has her own children.

“Relationships with stepchildren are not easy and men can easily get sexually attracted to their stepdaughters and be tempted to use their position as breadwinners to lure the girls into sexual activities,” says Jacob.